Reflective listening is a way to let children know that their feelings are being heard and understood; I-Messages are a way to let children know what we need or feel without shaming or blaming. Both help to create an atmosphere of mutual respect where listening is a valuable outcome.
Lots of times, people aren't really listening to the speaker but are thinking about how they are going to respond. Reflective listening requires a person to tune into what the speaker is saying and feeling by paying attention to content, watching body language, and listening to tone of voice. At that point, they reflect back upon the speaker's feelings by saying, "Sounds like you feel..." Even if you're wrong, your child feels that you are at least making an attempts to understand. Once the problem is understood, true problem solving can begin.
I-Messages help you to express yourself to your children without setting up the inevitable defensive reaction. It has three parts, "When...(insert the action the child is exhibiting), I feel...because...(insert why you feel the way you do)." Remember to model respect when listening and speaking to your children. It helps them to learn how to speak to you.
Remember, too, that many times parents will say, "I feel uncomfortable talking about that subject with children," or "I don't wan't to hear that kind of talk." If your children aren't listening and talking to you, then who? Whose morals and values are they learning? Creating an atmosphere of caring and respect when talking to your child helps them to want to seek you out when bigger concerns come along. |
